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The twins’ Christmas list this year is HUGE…and it’s all my fault. Before Thanksgiving, the toy circulars (read full-size catalogs) started coming in the paper. (Is it just me, or does the actual “news” part of the newspaper represent less than 5% of what arrives in the plastic baggy Sunday morning?) One Sunday, after an hour of begging them to “find something to do……..and not here…..not within ten feet of me, if possible”, I suggested that they collect the ads and start making their list.

What resulted was a three-page, single-spaced, annotated list for Santa (and Grammy, Mimi, and Aunt Rachel). While it’s always nice to have enough ideas to pass around, I handed the list right back and asked them to whittle it down a bit to include only things they REALLY like.

So, they put their heads together and developed the following key to go along with the list..

Gee, thanks for clearing THAT up!

On closer inspection, I was able to eliminate the “Gifts That Will NOT Be Under Our Tree”. 

Lest you think I’m going to rant about the commercialism of Christmas or the evils of television, I should tell you that most of this post was drafted while enjoying an episode of Tru TV’s “World’s Dumbest Criminals” –  as a family.

We LOVE this guy (comedian Brad Loekle)! Don’t judge. 

Anywho, while I’m waiting for Child Protective Services to show  up….here’s what Evan and Will are NOT getting for Christmas….

CELL PHONE: Last weekend, I got a text from Scott, while I was out Christmas shopping. It said, “When are you coming home?!”  Wow, I thought. He sounds PISSED. I’ve only been gone an hour! I have a very laid back husband without a controlling bone in his body,  so I called right back….. and got Evan. “When are you coming home?!” — ahh, now this makes sense. They want cell phones so that they can verbally harrass me when I’m not even with them. No thanks! I’m home before and after school — they’ll be fifteen before they get phones.

Dr. Dreadful Zombie Lab: From Amazon.com…

Product Features

  • Create your own delicious treats!
  • Eat bubbling brains and zombie skins
  • Inject spiders into the eyeballs
  • Watch the Zombie’s jaw rip open as it pukes out a brain barf beverage
  • 1 Zombie Head 2 Tools 5 Pouches of Food 1 Cup

If this is suitable for ages 5-15 (as it says on Amazon), maybe I should rethink Call of Duty 3? As it is, Will gags if he watches me mix my oatmeal in the morning. I don’t think this is for us.  

Call of Duty 3: Here, I’m going to say EXACTLY what you might expect — the twins are 9 years old! Half of the grown men that play this game don’t qualify as “M” for Mature. No way. They’re still having plenty of fun blasting aliens and crazy chickens.

Trampoline: Are you kidding me?! This thing is as big as our yard. The dog would have to crawl under it to relieve himself! I also have an aesthetic aversion to anything in the yard that could be qualified as playground equipment — playhouses, slides, and swingsets. That’s why we have PLAYGROUNDS and PARKS….so my yard doesn’t have to look like one!  

Lava Lamp: Next to stainless steel turkey fryers, don’t THESE start the most house fires? Besides, it wouldn’t look right without the Bob Marley flag and bong.

Family Guy Christmas Ornaments: The boys KNOW that our tree color scheme is burgundy and gold. Come on. Get with the program, please.

These were all on the list. — Luckily, so were a lot of other great gifts that will allow me to sleep at night.

Hope you’re holiday shopping is going as well as mine (95% complete — Boo yah!)…..