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The ONLY thing that can make cleaning up dog vomit at 3 a.m. MORE fun is being coached on how to do it by your husband, from his side of the bed. Really.

On the Captain’s first day on Elavil, he ended up changing his daily pattern,  ignoring the last National Geographic and pulling a sports bottle and a dish brush from the dish rack to chew on AND consume.

While the cleanup after work was minimal, things really got jumping around 3 a.m., which, if you don’t already know, is EXACTLY the time of night that dogs vomit up whatever is still bouncing around their stomach from the day.

Scott’s a light sleeper and I’m a heavy sleeper (even more so when I’m wearing earplugs to block his snoring). Since the twins were born, and now with the dog, he sees his role as something like…

POKE, POKE, POKE…..”I think somebody might be sick”

Afer 15 years together, I’ve become a pro at responding to the equivalent of a shotgun start. I LEAP out of bed, scoop up or direct a child to the bathroom and often sit down dizzy and nauseous myself – with something like vertigo. Surprise!

Last night, it went a little more like this:

“Bailey, NO!”….POKE, POKE, SMACK, “The dog is getting sick!!!”

I didn’t really get that it had already happened, but it was just as well. After I dragged our 60-pound dog into the bathroom, he did it all over again — complete with the shockingly audible stomach action that you just don’t get with children.

Scott usually joins the party after all the fun is pretty much over. He gets there just in time to rub a sick child’s back or stroke the dog’s head and talk baby talk……while I strip beds, start laundry, and work on the carpet stains.  In SO many ways, Scott is truly a man of action…until bodily functions are involved. I also plunge toilets, in case you were wondering.

When it seemed safe to assume the dog was done, I grabbed our bottle of Nature’s Miracle (the hell it is, BTW) and got to work…when Scott started coaching from the bed.

“You’ve got to SUPER saturate it, you didn’t spray enough.”

“Soak the shit out of it! Really!”

“You missed part of the vomit trail!”

“Don’t blot YET! You need to wait 10 minutes”

….and so on.

At least, when the whole hot mess was over, Bailey hopped into our bed and got comfy ON Scott’s legs, forcing him to curl up and spend what was left of the night in the fetal position.

Today, I’m crossing my fingers that I successfully stripped the kitchen and family room of anything too tempting. I also went ahead and bought one of the jumbo beef bones that Bailey used to love. On these, everyone has their opinion, pro or con, including our vet (who is concerned about tooth breakage and choking). What to give dogs to eat/chew is about as controversial as how long to breast feed (if at all), but we reasoned that eating dish brushes is most assuredly a health risk. DUH!

I’ll be sure to report in the Captain’s Log how we made out today!