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No, sillies, not THAT kind of weigh-in — although this is as good an opportunity as any to note that my husband (to henceforth be called “skinny bastard”) has lost 35 pounds since the first week in January. You can hate him — it makes me hate him a little (just a little!), too.

In response to a (completely fictional) hue and cry for my opinions on, well, anything and everything, here we go:

Anyone smoking in a car with an occupied or unoccupied child’s car seat in the back should be slapped.

Indoor furniture is NEVER okay outside (the only possible exception being a yard sale). We have lived in our house for six years, and from the age of three til today, when we pass the last house on the corner, the boys say, “There’s that house you hate, with the stupid people who have a loveseat on their side porch.” Yes, yes it is. This house has had a floral loveseat on their porch for SIX YEARS. It is not a piece of furniture that even resembles something that should be outside. It has been rained on, snowed on, and, if I may assume, pissed on by raccoons. If I could stand to touch it, I would steal it.

Roof shingles on a house that is less than ten years old and not situated in Tornado Alley should NEVER fall off — and certainly not the large 1’x3′ piece that fell off of our front gable this morning. The building industry (like many others) must depend on the shear aggravation and difficulty of pursuing any existing warranty to save them from sure financial ruin.

The actor playing Peeta in the Hunger Games is TOO short. He is. There is nothing further to discuss here.

All-U-Can-Eat buffets are confidence builders. If being at the beach is the worst place for body confidence, being at a smorgasbord must be the best. Look around. Being the thinnest person there is not difficult. Indulging at these too often is obviously counterproductive to any health maintenance plan, so don’t make it a habit. We did it this weekend with my grandmother, who ate free for her birthday. These places are all about getting the bodies in. They even have a “post-gastric bypass” sliding price scale, starting at 50% off in the first year post surgery. I kid you not. Should you even be GOING there after gastric surgery? I don’t care if your family and friends eat there — isn’t recovery (from drugs, food, food as a drug) about “running” with a better crowd? Be strong!

I do NOT open emails addressed to more than 20 people – especially if “Must Read!” appears anywhere in the subject line. I don’t care if you’re sharing an honest-to-god miracle, a warning about razor blades in ATM machines, a virtual hug for “Awesome Woman Day”, or some other garbage. I probably won’t read it, and you shouldn’t hold your breath waiting for me to forward it back to you to show how much YOU, in turn, mean to ME. It’s not gonna happen. Draw your own conclusion.

Just a few things that were knocking around my head this morning. You’re welcome. Really. Come back any time.